interspecies engagement with domesticated bougie mice; a poetics of edging and indirectness; OCD and synchronicity; cabbage salad; and some recent shows
Speaking of synchronicity and OCD - reading this just now as I was trying to find words for some of these experiences. YES. The need for meaning, which is the same for the need for order. But it’s so hard to explain. Even when I was in inpatient treatment, trying to explain the difficulty of always needing to time things just right was met by bafflement. Hand washing? “Normal,” for being abnormal. (I hate that language. But it’s so much of the mindset.) Needing utter, perfect cosmic order? Too bad, I guess.
We spend our whole life to find words to describe something that someone then says, "huh?" to, lol. I am focusing on finding the language *for myself* if that makes sense. This persistent expectation to make something legible or clear to someone else gets exhausting, but the process of finding language for me is quite revelatory and even a bit delicious? Maybe it's because that ting of obsession that might be devoted to over-explaining to someone else is reserved as a bit of grace for myself instead. Of course, none of this is easy, lol! It is a recursive process with a lot of bumps.
To be able to describe to myself what I am feeling is deeply I just started down a rabbit hole looking at the relationships between OCD and divination, too! It is the need for meaning, and there is the other extreme, of course (for me), of reveling in the chaos.
Yes!! I’ve been wrestling with similar questions, I think - about the imposition of narrative by the medical establishment, in order to be understood and access care, and how that has distracted me from the project of finding my own language for these experiences. It’s so good to know that I’m not alone in this! I started my Substack as a project to put some of this writing out there, and I want it to resonate with people but also... maybe it doesn’t matter? Maybe it really is just for me. “Revelatory and delicious” captures the feeling so perfectly.
Speaking of synchronicity and OCD - reading this just now as I was trying to find words for some of these experiences. YES. The need for meaning, which is the same for the need for order. But it’s so hard to explain. Even when I was in inpatient treatment, trying to explain the difficulty of always needing to time things just right was met by bafflement. Hand washing? “Normal,” for being abnormal. (I hate that language. But it’s so much of the mindset.) Needing utter, perfect cosmic order? Too bad, I guess.
We spend our whole life to find words to describe something that someone then says, "huh?" to, lol. I am focusing on finding the language *for myself* if that makes sense. This persistent expectation to make something legible or clear to someone else gets exhausting, but the process of finding language for me is quite revelatory and even a bit delicious? Maybe it's because that ting of obsession that might be devoted to over-explaining to someone else is reserved as a bit of grace for myself instead. Of course, none of this is easy, lol! It is a recursive process with a lot of bumps.
To be able to describe to myself what I am feeling is deeply I just started down a rabbit hole looking at the relationships between OCD and divination, too! It is the need for meaning, and there is the other extreme, of course (for me), of reveling in the chaos.
Yes!! I’ve been wrestling with similar questions, I think - about the imposition of narrative by the medical establishment, in order to be understood and access care, and how that has distracted me from the project of finding my own language for these experiences. It’s so good to know that I’m not alone in this! I started my Substack as a project to put some of this writing out there, and I want it to resonate with people but also... maybe it doesn’t matter? Maybe it really is just for me. “Revelatory and delicious” captures the feeling so perfectly.
I just quickly read the first entry and going back for more - please keep writing :)
Thank you so much! You too. Thinking so much about everything you said.
This has been such a delicious read. I will revisit it more than once for sure. Thank you
Yes, multiple reads! It was a pleasure to write and I hope for more slow [re]reading in the future :)