16 August 2024: Jumu'ah Series — Gathering Doubt, OCD, al-Khidr & Moses, and Upādāna (Grasping + Clinging)
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☺️ Hello!
Table of Contents:
📖 Hello Again, (Even More!!!) New Readers!
🧕🏾 What is the Jumu’ah Series?
🎒 Today, we GATHER doubt
🤲🏽 Select one ayat (verse, literally "sign") of the Qur'an from Surah Al-Kahf
1. 📖 Hello Again, (Even More!!!) New Readers!
Y’all keep subscribing, and Alhamdulillah, it is so humbling. Thank You! If you can spare it, become a paid subscriber. You can learn more about the perks here. Your support funds research and occasional indoor climbing trips or powerlifting sets as a somatic release when I feel stuck with my writing.
2. 🧕🏾 What is the Jumu’ah Series?
Read the full explanation here.
3. 🎒 Today, we GATHER doubt
Hello from Joshua Tree!
I had a rough OCD flare-up this week. OCD is rooted in perpetual and unrelenting doubt. And doubt, at least mine, is fueled by significant disruptions in routine and consistent relationship dynamics. I am here in the desert, Joshua Tree, to be exact. It is hard to explain what an OCD flare-up is like other than to say that I could be carrying on without debilitating doubt, and then a sneaky fog of anxiety slips in. It feels something like having back-to-back silent panic attacks that you are too afraid to tell anyone about because you know they will say everything will be okay. And this is often true. OCD is a disrespectful and entitled b***h. She pops in without invitation and certainly without warning. OCD is difficult, but doubt isn’t all bad.
Doubt while learning ensures that I do not try to arrive somewhere but allow myself to follow tangents. The doubt reminds me that the learning is not done. The doubt tells me not to settle with the first idea. I gave a talk for the Yale Norfolk students this summer, and I had this slide:
I feel so thankful to Allah, L-Theanine, and the sun that the personal doubt transitioned into the type of curious doubt that leads me down research rabbit holes that disconnected from personal rumination. There are so many approaches to reducing the strain of OCD. I am learning that my life will never be without obsession and doubt, but I can work hard to channel the doubt into pursuits that make my body buzz in a good way. Maybe this isn’t a funny joke, but it is funny to me: OCD makes me latch on and ruminate. ADHD sometimes causes me to forget what I was ruminating on if I get distracted by a more exciting rumination or a shiny object. Sometimes, things balance themselves out.
I feel so thankful to Allah, L-Theanine, and the sun that the personal doubt transitioned into the type of curious doubt that leads me down research rabbit holes that are not connected to personal rumination. There are so many approaches to reducing the strain of OCD. I am learning that my life will never be without obsession and doubt, but I can work hard to channel the doubt into pursuits that make my body buzz in the good way. Maybe this isn’t a funny joke, but it is funny to me: OCD makes me latch on and ruminate. ADHD sometimes causes me to forget what I was ruminating on if I get distracted by a more exciting rumination or a shiny object. Sometimes, things balance themselves out.
3. 🤲🏽 Select one ayat (verse, literally "sign") of the Qur'an from Surah Al-Kahf (the surah or chapter we are encouraged to read before sunset Friday)
Allah (18:68) says (according to Dr. Mustafa Khattab’s translation in The Clear Quran): “And how can you be patient with what is beyond your ˹realm of˺ knowledge?”
This excerpt is part of the story describing an interaction between al-Khidr and Moses. You can learn more about it here. The quick rundown is when Moses runs into al-Khidr and asks to follow him. al-Khidr is known to guard the sea and teach esoteric knowledge. al-Khidr accepts the request but warns Moses, “And how can you be patient with what is beyond your ˹realm of˺ knowledge?” Even with this warning, Moses grows impatient, constantly asking questions. Eventually, al-Khidr says, “This is the parting of our ways. I will explain to you what you could not bear patiently.” (18:78)
This chapter is a pedagogical reminder: so much more is learned when you allow yourself to wade in uncertainty. As I understand the story (any scholars, please correct me), Moses’ impatience means he loses the opportunity for continued learning along the journey with al-Khidr. We try to expedite or bulldoze through doubt and uncertainty. And that uncertainty and doubt often function as the sites of deep reflection and growth. Whenever someone “gives me the answer,” I do not know how to return and do it alone. However, when I struggle through a process, I develop a particular curiosity not just about the what but also the how and why. This may be why esoterics are reserved for a small group of people because many of us cannot “be patient with what is beyond [our] ˹realm of˺ knowledge” (18:68). It takes a specific type of person to choose a life of infinite unpredictable tangents.
That reanimated curiosity reminds me that I *need* uncertainty for no other reason than it challenges me to confront something I was reminded of this week: Upādāna, or as was explained to me — the Buddhist concept referring to “grasping.” As they described, during a silent retreat where they restricted not only speaking but any efforts at grasping (writing, producing language, watching/listening, receiving language), they had to contend with letting things pass through them rather than trying to concretize it in some capacity — no notes, nothing. Uncertainty and doubt are also about not grasping, not trying to cling to a comfortable sensation or ideas. It is to accept everything is slippery — literally and figuratively. For me, it brings up questions about animism — these things that have agency and do not seek to be hemmed in and held tightly by our efforts to index, archive, and theorize. We transgress when we force something dynamic (everything, lol) to maintain an inorganic coherence (over an unreasonable duration).
Anyway, OCD is transgression and transgressive. It is an involuntary need to create inorganic coherence — to be unsteady when experiencing too much dynamism — to grasp at (the illusion of) order eagerly. It’s like taking a museum preservationist and restorer’s approach to your life! Putting everything back into place. Buffering yourself from uncertainty through layers and layers of (ineffective) prophylactic rituals: door checks, rereading messages, and more. Grasping at certainty.
This week and beyond, I will focus on not changing my relationship with grasping but increasing my awareness of my grasping efforts. Grasping is inevitable for all of us, but at the very least, I can grow aware of the conditions that cause me to grasp the most. I want to learn more about
I enjoy triangulating spiritual concepts but want to learn more about Upādāna. This excerpt from Wikipedia piqued my interest.
Send me Upādāna resources! Please! I am reading this now. I will report back next week!
Thank you for reading,
Kameelah 👽
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How to cite this newsletter: Rasheed, K. (Year, Month Day). Newsletter Title. I Will (?) Figure This All Out Later. URL